For years now, I have been wanting to say that I am sorry. Not only is this something I wish to tell you it’s something I hope one day you would be able to feel. It pangs me to try and imagine the hurt that I have caused you. Yet still I try and fall miserably. For I will never know what it’s like to for a mother to lose her greatest love to senseless violence.

How could I ever look at another black woman and not be reminded of what I have done and if God ever blesses me with a family of my own, how would I ever not think about the family I have destroyed. In other words, I understand that I will spend my entire life chasing redemption for something so irreparable.

Many people have told me, over the years, that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others because sometimes we must learn to forgive ourselves, but I disagree. That would be like trying to wash one hand without the other and it may even be possible to wash one hand without the other, but I just imagine how clean they could be if one used both.

This is exactly how unclean I have been feeling without the opportunity to tell you in person, just how sorry I am. I may never be able to either, so I am writing this letter and sending it out to the universe in hopes that if it doesn’t reach you at least it may find another bereaved mother-for I am truly sorry.

Akeem K